Falling From Grace

For the last few years I have been going out of my way to take in the site of a small sunflower field…the energy of this field speaks so clearly to my heart, renewing my spirit.  For a few minutes at least I am gently nudged into a moment of oneness as I enter into the vibrant greens and splashes of opulent yellows set against the bold blue sky. I’m swept away into a dreamy state that leaves me to deduce that life is miraculous…I didn’t make it there this year, with a hectic work schedule and well life. I haven’t had time to nourish my soul.  As a result life seems to be far from miraculous…

As I now look around my studio/office space, I see the reflection of my inner state.  Bits and pieces of incomplete images, projects I’ve started and strewn across the shelf and windowsill abandoned to lay there and gather dust. My tools, my simple precious tools all mixed up and out of order…Why am I not cultivating a sanctuary for myself? Why I am allowing myself to be knocked off my centre of peace to the degree that I am? These questions pop through my dismay, growing louder as my frustration with myself comes to the surface…What the hell is wrong with me, I know better!  

I suspect part of me is trying to give up on the art thing; there is an image of the artist that scares me and yet I can’t let go of it…the starving artist that suffers for his/her art.  Suffering is such an ingrained pattern in me…I recently took on a new job back into the field in which I left close to three years ago. Two worlds have collided. The dynamics that I am observing in this new position haunt me from a past that I had firmly believed I had transcended.  Obviously I have not integrated the lessons from my past enough to be immune to the influence of these forces that are playing out now. Once again I feel myself falling from grace as I recognize the face in the mirror as the master of self deception…and so my drama will continue.