Beyond The Skin

At the age of sixteen I was a diagnosed with Psoriasis.  "Psoriasis is a chronic, autoimmune disease that appears on the skin. It occurs when the immune system sends out faulty signals that speed up the growth cycle of skin cells. Psoriasis is not contagious and it is the most common autoimmune disease in the U.S. As many as 7.5 million Americans have psoriasis." (National Psoriasis Foundation)

Publishing Beyond The Skin has been in the back of my mind for quite a few years.  But some things that I envision and write about oddly enough I don't fully appreciate nor value. At times my work strikes me as profound and rings of my truth in one breath only to become obscured lost somehow in the daily grind of living. For nine years my poignant story of transcending the devastation of having an incurable disfiguring disease has sat on my hard drive and in the back of my mind. I'm ready to share my vision and story with others, as I know all too well that the devastating effects of this disease are much more then skin deep.

Thanks to a study drug, a miraculous little molecule that helps my body regulate the cells of my immune system, I had been psoriasis free with 100% disease control for the last three years. I've been off the study drug for 2 months and just recently it has started to creep back ever so slightly making it's appearance in the form of a small dot on each of my elbows and ankles...I've enjoyed the reprieve but I guess I'm not done with the Psoriasis journey and this time I don't want to walk it alone...suffering in silence. For a complete understanding of psoriasis check out the National Psoriasis Foundation

To all those that suffer from Psoriasis,
we can not hide our skin or the shame that holds it's hand.
It has taken me fifteen years to begin to understand.
I believe everyone carries with them the marks of this disease.
Deep down inside we are all the same.
I hope we can agree with some ease.
Although most people don't wear their flaws for everyone to see.
How I wish every person we encounter,
could see the brilliant diamond in the rough.
This would slightly ease our embarrassment.
since our skin tends to slough.
I'm not offering you a cure for the symptoms of Psoriasis.
But if I could, I would take away people's ignorance.
Since I tend to be an idealist,
we wouldn't have to hurt anymore!
Fortunately I have found a key that has opened up a door,
to my freedom that was once constrained by locks.
Now I'm in this place of acceptance I see a paradox.
I will guide you through my journey over the last fifteen years.
A journey filled with many joys, tears and humiliation.
I give you know a set of ten keys,
to hold in your imagination.

The first key you will notice is marked with shame.
For once I understood this disease I had no one to blame.
I was a marked and blemished sixteen year old,
incapable of seeing past my skin.
It was an unacceptable part of who I was,
and all I saw in my mirror's reflection.
The constant reminders of beauty's perfection and grace.
Flew through the media daily and smacked me right in the face.
My body I desperately tried to cover up along with my disgrace.
I was offered little hope and was told to bear with it and endure.
Oh sorry, did that hurt you hearing that?
We are just giving you the facts there is no cure.
Something must be really wrong, bad, corrupted inside of me.
The key that led me into the world of shame held its grip on me.
The eyes of shame show you only what you are capable to see.

The second key I found opened up the world of fear.
This is where I cried most nights,
for what I was forced to hear.
Overwhelmed with intense emotions no teen should bare.
My rather small spots would very likely grow to cover all of me.
The appearance of healthy skin would be rare on my body.
Throughout all my daily interactions,
a wonderful front hid well my anxiety.
Deep down inside I was saying,
 "please stop treating me like an outcast to society!"
I cried would anyone ever see past my skin?
Is this just a cruel world I'm destined to live in?
I saw the trail of scales that fell when I left the room.
I will clean it up for you just hand me the broom.
I'm so sorry, I can't help this, please don't look at me!
The fear controlled the clothes I wore each day.
The way I held my head was the inner image I portrayed.
The flakes on my scalp held my head down with their weight.
How I trembled deep inside in a tumultuous state.
The key that led me into the world of fear held its grip on me.
The eyes of fear show you only what you are capable to see.

I found another key under my pillow marked with despair.
Why me? Why me? Why me? This isn't fair!
These thoughts began to echo with every step I took.
Why have I been made to wear my flaws like an open book?
How I no longer wanted to be me,
to have this body with a mind different then my own.
Somehow having skin cells that wouldn't slow down.
Had turned a young loving, hopeful heart.
Into an old heart of stone.
I never let anyone in to rescue me from my grieving place.
My self-pity is where some of my feelings were based.
It soon led me to a short time of deep seeded self-hate.
The key that led me into the world of despair held its grip on me.
The eyes of despair show you only what you are capable to see.

Another key I happened to find unlocked the door to rage.
Where this anger came from it was unwritten on my page.
It served its purpose well although some might disagree.
After all that intense emotion was extremely foreign to me.
More so then the medical treatments I was withstanding at the time.
My doctor said maybe we should try a little Cyclosporine.
Scared the living daylights out of me how life was thrown my way.
Without the skills to live I could not cast my obstacles away.
Out of my rage I accomplished some unconstructive tasks.
I then joined the rest of the world and began using feeling masks.
Life itself had become a very anguished misery.
The key that led me into the world of rage held its grip on me.
The eyes of rage show you only what you are capable to see.

The key to love miraculously found my heart of stone.
Although this key use to get stuck in the lock,
I guess sometimes I chose to be alone.
Then love tied up my tongue so I could not speak,
 for so much fear of scaring it away.
But other's empathy and compassion welled up inside
 and found a place to stay.
Some people really cared and they could not see psoriasis.
They were blinded to my scales, flaking and redness.
All my unattractive flaws I wore on my sleeve.
Through the love of others they helped me to grieve.
The world of love is vulnerable and runs parallel to the world of hate.
An open channel flows through these worlds and is guided by passion's fate.
Love is a wonderful place to be!
The key that led me into the world of love held its grip on me.
The eyes of love show you only what you are capable to see.

Out of the world of love I did fall.
To find a key that cured it all.
I found my long lost voice to yell.
I told everyone who didn't understand to go to hell!
This is my body that I have been given
 and now is the time for me to start living.
I was determined to not hide or cower
 from another's judgment and their glance.
Passion held me steadfast in my stance.
Go right ahead and snicker at me,
and twist your face in disgust.
Yeah that's right you son of a bitch,
teach your kids to be prejudiced.
I had found myself trapped in this life of turmoil.
For quite awhile, I walked over this soil.
A trail of my scales I had left behind,
 as the chains of the disease were beginning to unbind.
I hated my doctor for not having a cure.
I hated my parents for giving me imperfect genes to endure.
Slowly I began to realize,
to live my life fuelled by hate.
No! That was not my fate.
I found my keys and with trembling hands,
and unsteady steps I chose to leave those barren lands.
A good friend came along and said, "Here take my hand."
I received compassion this helped me to understand.
The world of hate is a state of mind that I somehow learned to leave behind.
I decided I had better lock this door forever;
for the chains of my disease were begin to sever.
I wanted to wear those chains again for they offered me security.
On the other hand I wanted to be bound to a different reality.
The key that led me into the world of hate withheld its grip on me.
The eyes of hate show you things that you do not want to see.

The key to hope showed up on my ring one day,
and with a change in my heart, I stood tall.
I was then determined to cure this disease,
to solve this mystery once and for all.
Ten years into this journey I had ventured,
I still didn’t know why SkinCapÔ was censored.
For treatments I was just writing the cheques,
with no miraculous and only mediocre effects.
Why were my cells so stubborn in their rejuvenating game?
How I wish I could of pointed my finger to blame.
I hesitantly gave up on the medicine of the west.
After much debating in my head I had to give it a rest.
I was determined to take things into my own hands, naturally.
The key that led me into the world of hope held its grip on me.
The eyes of hope show you only what you are capable to see.

The key of knowledge I soon found as I began my quest,
to seek out the Truth to this mysterious disease.
Oh why on earth did I ever drop biology?
There was no room for despair on this intellectual crusade.
With conviction that fuelled a passionate heart.
I flew out into cyber space,
the place where dreams were made.
With each place I visited I was filled with hope,
given a lifeline in the form of a cyber rope.
Now it's not easy what I'm about to say,
for I have to set aside my pride.
Full of hope I had found many different therapies.
Now this therapy may have been intended for chimpanzees.
I learned one day about bananas and their healing properties.
So I took them off the counter ate a bunch and saved the peels.
I then stuck them on my elbows, hands, knees and heels.
I wrapped myself in Saran Wrap to hold the precious peels tight.
I very carefully put on my P.J.'s and called it a night.
As I held my arms and legs real straight, I walked robotic fashion.
The giggles in me would not stop I just looked so darn smashin'.
Oh what I won't do to try to heal this calamity,
and through my laughter I had found a lot of humility.
Deception was starting to take on a different face.
I stayed their two years in a state of well, Grace.
This is just a word of warning that all should abide.
When you want something to be true your beliefs can misguide.
The key that led me into the world of knowledge held its grip on me.
The eyes of knowledge show you only what you are capable to see.

The key to humour was found in my hand the next day.
What a relief for this world I had found and I wanted to stay.
This place seemed so familiar it had a nostalgic air.
This is where my inner wounds began to lift along with my despair.
My life started to seem a little fair.
I'm sure some may disagree,
however I was starting to see a little irony.
How I was so much more than my flaking body.
Hmm, I may have some holes in my leaking gut,
or maybe some kind of immune system defiance-y.
Somehow I had learned to dance,
within all of life's mystery!
There is more to me then these skin cells,
with a mind of their own.
"There's more to life then meets the eye," this saying really hit home.
The key that led me into the world of humour held its grip on me.
The eyes of humour show you only what you are capable to see.

The ten keys on your ring I gave you at the beginning.
Picture them once again for soon you may be grinning.
One day I looked down and saw a key unused on my ring.
The mystery of this unused key was causing me uncertainty.
Faith was marked on this door, the world of infinite possibility.
Now I know for sure it is our perception that creates our reality.
Once inside this world of faith,
you may find nothing unchanged in your view.
or your eyes may be receptive to all the mysteries askew.
The mundane may merge into the miraculous,
the fair things may transform into the great.

Self acceptance then becomes your fate.
The means that brought you into this world,
that you may have been desperately trying to find.
Have brought you to the very place,
that may oppress and forms the chains that bind.
However, YOU are so much more then the skin you leave behind!
Inside this world I hope you will see, feel and come to know this truth,
look around cause you just might see.
All that gives your life endless Joys.
If you examine those keys in your mind you'll see they’re just little decoys.
The keys you are holding in your mind right now,
the keys you hold on your chain to life.
The keys that unlock your misery and strife,
are the keys to humanity.
Look really close at your keys.
They are all identical you see.
Your eyes of faith always show you what you are capable to be.
CopyrightÓ 2002 Maggie McLeod

One Tear Towards Freedom

Some days I look around my world and see the lifeless and plastic faces of people. I have difficulty shaking our interactions and the impressions they leave in the imagination of my soul.  Among those mannequin faces the ones that disturb me the most are those who are in powerful positions…They strike me as arrogant and self righteous, playing on others weaknesses and vulnerabilities in order to build themselves up.  But the insecurities within their own heart are so apparent how can I not respond with compassion and deep understanding to their defences? As I become more aware of who I am, on the spiritual level. The opportunities to integrate my truth seems to come at me furiously fast…I’ve found staying open to the overall tone of the patterns I keep repeating opens the portal for me to peek into the divine plan being played out. It’s at that very moment that I catch a glimpse of the plan my very awareness of it speeds up the process of awakening even more. I can then understand better my own confusion and sadness. Suffering as unpleasant as that state of being feels I see it for what it really is, opportunities that motivate me to regain my balance and experience a deeper clarity that brings more meaning and purpose into my life…

This is the alchemy of my soul…I guess…As I mentioned in the last entry, lately I have found myself in some pretty stressful situations. Thoughout it all though my awareness is growing stronger in that I’m developing a deeper appreciation for who I am. Who we all are...When I look at the world with the eyes of my soul I experience my eternalness.  Memories of the lives witnessed through the eyes of my soul ushers into my consciousness, bringing light into the deep and stagnant darkness that obscures my vision and muffles my intuitive whispers.  I have choices in how I will respond to situations, where before it never even occurred to me that I had a choice.  I felt forced into a role and way of being that measured up to other’s expectations of me. I was the one who wore the plastic face pretending to be a human mannequin. This old soul of mine speaks to me in ways I cannot ignore, at times through brief flashes of intense anger and rage, emotions that burn through the plasticity of the ego...I hear the divine sparks of our eternal flame echoing in the heart of humanity from all of our ancient pasts clearly telling us that we are very disconnected from Source…

I retreat deep into myself when I feel the power of my passion, I always have. I scare me...and instinctively since I was a child I have directed my outrage and anger towards God. I have lost track of how many times I have been brought to my knees from the weight of the world and prayed "Help me God damn it! I refuse to believe in these oppressive lies that the world keeps throwing at me!" I have never felt the need to filter or censor my thoughts and feelings while I express my truth to my deeply personal God. This intimacy and honesty I have in my relationship, fills me with Light, that translates into a deep gratitude and appreciation for who I am. I can then walk in my physical form with the knowing that I'm taking one step and riding on one more tear towards freedom.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
~Khalil Gibran~

Falling From Grace

For the last few years I have been going out of my way to take in the site of a small sunflower field…the energy of this field speaks so clearly to my heart, renewing my spirit.  For a few minutes at least I am gently nudged into a moment of oneness as I enter into the vibrant greens and splashes of opulent yellows set against the bold blue sky. I’m swept away into a dreamy state that leaves me to deduce that life is miraculous…I didn’t make it there this year, with a hectic work schedule and well life. I haven’t had time to nourish my soul.  As a result life seems to be far from miraculous…

As I now look around my studio/office space, I see the reflection of my inner state.  Bits and pieces of incomplete images, projects I’ve started and strewn across the shelf and windowsill abandoned to lay there and gather dust. My tools, my simple precious tools all mixed up and out of order…Why am I not cultivating a sanctuary for myself? Why I am allowing myself to be knocked off my centre of peace to the degree that I am? These questions pop through my dismay, growing louder as my frustration with myself comes to the surface…What the hell is wrong with me, I know better!  

I suspect part of me is trying to give up on the art thing; there is an image of the artist that scares me and yet I can’t let go of it…the starving artist that suffers for his/her art.  Suffering is such an ingrained pattern in me…I recently took on a new job back into the field in which I left close to three years ago. Two worlds have collided. The dynamics that I am observing in this new position haunt me from a past that I had firmly believed I had transcended.  Obviously I have not integrated the lessons from my past enough to be immune to the influence of these forces that are playing out now. Once again I feel myself falling from grace as I recognize the face in the mirror as the master of self deception…and so my drama will continue.