Secrets of the Heart

Sometimes I’m eager to sit at my computer and face the blank page…other days not so much and I can find a million excuses to keep me from tuning into my Intuitive Voice. My soul loves to play in the vast space of nothingness where all things are created and I have many pages to write, in an attempt to clearly define who I am choosing to be. In order to do this though I have to take a deep breath and delve into some obscure spaces of my heart. Seeking my own truth on what I really believe. As I explore my inner reality I’m uncovering my secrets and I realize that I have been holding onto these silently in my heart. I believe we all have secrets in the form of hopes, dreams and wishes that were never realized. I don’t know a lot of adults who freely risk being vulnerable by sharing the secret desires of their heart openly.   Children do though and at one time the innocent Divine Child within ourselves whispered freely our hearts desire into the ear of God. I believe God has been holding onto the perfection of that desire ever since. As we align with our purpose in life I feel the Universe is calling us to remember the deeper mystery of what we whispered.
This remembering business is often easier said than done though and it’s easy to find distractions in everyday life. I’m often knocked of my alignment; and I have a hard time finding my car keys let alone the Truth of what I really believe! Some days I am so in touch with “Reality” that those things like wonder, joy, hopes, dreams, and the secrets of my heart belong in story books and in the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s music. Between taking care of the kids, house, marriage, running a business, working and cleaning up dog barf who has time for their soul? More and more lately I can catch the harsh tones of my ego trying to convince myself that this spiritual stuff is just an idealistic fairy tale. I really do get frustrated, but then a moment happens, a fully present moment that I am so grateful for. I slip not away into the land of daydreams. No, I fall into me, my Self right into the centre of my Being. Through taking a moment to focus on my breath and tune into how I am feeling. I somehow tap into this incredible peace that is almost palpable. It feels like an angel is present and their energy fills the room. Briefly I’m immune and no longer attached to the negativity that I was just aimlessly swirling around in. My breathing and footsteps feel more purposeful, my heart peaceful and my mind clear enough to really connect to Source. I then hear the Truth with a capital T and can see the world through the eyes of my Soul. I’m slowly learning that I can’t stay in that heart space of anger and frustration for very long. I am starting to trust my Soul more to lead, nurture and support me on this human journey and the language that Soul uses to communicate to me is the language of my feelings…who knew one could grow so deeply by being firmly grounded to the earth while touching eternity.

Lucky Charms...

I bumped into a quirky little part of myself this past weekend…the part of me that wishes with all my might. The kid in me that dreams of a better world, and dances to her own drum that beats to the rhythm of living, loving and laughing. I got a pretty good glimpse of this part of me as I was struggling. No, I was actually engaged in full blown battle of past and future fears and resistance to the present moment. All of this multi-dimensional battling was compounded by a mind that is currently quite lost in the process of healing from years of addictions.  The old addicted me is not willing to go out without a fight…and fighting it sure is!  They say our cardinal traits are also our pivotal downfalls. My cardinal strength is my innate desire for the Truth.  Well this truth of who I am is often based on how I am feeling and sometimes I’m just not feeling all airy fairy okay and “spiritual.”

As I wrote last week I’m experiencing some darkness and I’m struggling to surrender and get back to my centre of Beingness…This past weekend in my moments of difficulty I found myself experiencing intense cravings for a cigarette…Since July 11, 2010 I’ve let go of and completely walked away from this addiction and yet it haunts me everyday!  I use to smoke screen my feelings and spent my days wasting a large portion of brain space with thoughts on when I would have the next cigarette…For many years I conditioned myself to think about the future and well with hind sight that was pretty dumb as the craving was never satiated and I missed out on a heck of a lot of “Now” time.  

In the past I had quit smoking for both of my babies, and now this is the first time I have really quit for myself.  I know that I am done smoking for life…I’m just not sure if I really like this non-smoker more emotional me.  It’s sad but very true that I kind of liked not having to deal with things as I could just go outside turn the other cheek to the drama playing out in the house or at work.  I also used the need for a cigarette as the excuse for my negative feelings as my body was going into withdrawal…hmmm it’s been ten months I don’t think my negative feelings are from physical withdrawal anymore. Now it’s all in my head and I can no longer bypass the whole feeling thing like I used to and well quite frankly this is what sucks about being human.  

Ironically this is also what is the most beautiful thing about being human as I have rediscovered that life is actually amazingly vibrant! It’s a little too vibrant at the moment though and everything appears to be saturated with energy that fluctuates between two extremes…The contrast is too bold and my perspective is not perfectly symmetrical and balanced like I use to think it was.  There is nothing scary really just some black murky shadows that I’ve managed to get stuck in. I’m starting to appreciate this darkness as it is challenging and guiding me to really pay attention to the subtlest forms of energy that are at play in my life. I am proud of myself for continuing to stay conscious enough in my behaviour to not start smoking again. But I’m not too proud of myself as now I’m starting to engage in emotional eating! I guess the pissed off addicted me is trying to negotiate and trade in one addiction for the other…hmmm when will I learn that the cravings are NEVER going to be satisfied?!

I can wish though can’t I…as I dug my fingers into the box of Lucky Charms cereal a couple of days ago and dug past the judgment of myself for being a terrible mother in feeding this crap to my kids.  The little girl in me rose to the surface and I thought wow the hour glass charms must be working! (The hour glass charms have the power to control time.) For there she was little me the very quiet chubby cute kid that would eat her cereal in the morning while humming the song the Rainbow Connection. The blonde haired tomboy one minute and the girlie girl the next, the sweet kid that loved Kermit the frog with all her heart, and would revisit scenes from the Muppet Movie over and over in her mind when she longed for lightness and laughter to fill her world. There she was the part of me that instinctually could navigate her way to peace…the sacred part of me that was born deeply knowing the power of imagination.  That impeccably audacious little girl that could not be persuaded when she knew the “truth” about something, these traits have served me well in letting go of my addictions and everything that is no longer true for me. 

As I sat at my kitchen table sorting  through all my Lucky Charms and lining them up in pretty patterns (some things never change.) I caught a glimpse ever so briefly of the old soul in that very young body and how just by being her precious self she created a better world for those she touched.  Now through the use of this old soul's vibrantly rich imagination that when filtered through the wisdom of my grown up heart I can still feel that little girl within me.  I love her now in this moment as it never occurs to her to doubt that within her heart she has the power to bring things to life!  Hmmm, wow that’s actually what the box says too and I can’t argue with General Mills! The heart charms have the power to bring things to life. As I thought about those words I was reading on the box I collided with the little me and knew instantly that, that ordinary morning in 1979 was having an extraordinary effect on my present moment.  As an angel from my past came to sit with me lighting up the darkness for a few very sweet magically delicious moments…

Go ahead grab some Lucky Charms and join the two million other people who have visited the past and viewed Kermit on Youtube!  You know you want to ;)

Darkness Speaks

Every day we come face to face with powerful Spiritual Beings masquerading as humans. They come into our life and offer us an opportunity to embrace everything we passionately love and all that we have passionately rejected in our selves…These Souls lead us into the core of our very own joy and wounds.  We love them when we are in our joy and protest mightily and label them as the enemy when we can’t move beyond our suffering.  When the darkness comes I find it is extremely difficult to enter fully into the dark still silence of the night…I've recently uncovered my own old wounds and was surprised to see that they are still bleeding, I thought I just had scars left from the typical human journey. No, I have life giving energy leaking out of my wounds...it's not something that I am really proud to admit but I don't believe that I am the only one. 

Darkness speaks to our hearts as much as the light does and it has so much to teach us…the messages I am hearing this time around as I face my own “dark night” is to be still and stop resisting.  Quite humbling the darkness is as it encourages me to give more attention and respect to the messages that come to me from the night…The wacky and senseless dreams that I tend ignore and often wake up feeling very resentful and annoyed with. I know I should stop fighting the messages the Universe keeps bringing to my attention and yet…my resistance as futile as it is has it’s own sweet and seductive power over me. I can feel my third eye rolling as I write this but that is my truth in this moment…

Quieting my busy mind and surrendering into the space of nothing moves me beyond my frame of reference and I can usually tap into peace pretty quickly...Instead for the last week I have been grappling with the darkness that stretches and pulls my reality like a piece of silly putty. The past is where this dark cloud has come casting shadows on my life as I allow the impression of the memories to move me. I'm starting to hear the voice of my soul encouraging me to let it go.  My soul is nudging me to feel a humble sense of surrender into the nothingness...I can feel my frustration building as I know this is exactly what I have to do in order to reach the centre of my Being and yet I can't honestly get there...maybe I'm trying to hard and to carry too much with me I should probably take my own advice and move out of my own way and just let it all go!