I bumped into a quirky little part of myself this past weekend…the part of me that wishes with all my might. The kid in me that dreams of a better world, and dances to her own drum that beats to the rhythm of living, loving and laughing. I got a pretty good glimpse of this part of me as I was struggling. No, I was actually engaged in full blown battle of past and future fears and resistance to the present moment. All of this multi-dimensional battling was compounded by a mind that is currently quite lost in the process of healing from years of addictions. The old addicted me is not willing to go out without a fight…and fighting it sure is! They say our cardinal traits are also our pivotal downfalls. My cardinal strength is my innate desire for the Truth. Well this truth of who I am is often based on how I am feeling and sometimes I’m just not feeling all airy fairy okay and “spiritual.”
As I wrote last week I’m experiencing some darkness and I’m struggling to surrender and get back to my centre of Beingness…This past weekend in my moments of difficulty I found myself experiencing intense cravings for a cigarette…Since July 11, 2010 I’ve let go of and completely walked away from this addiction and yet it haunts me everyday! I use to smoke screen my feelings and spent my days wasting a large portion of brain space with thoughts on when I would have the next cigarette…For many years I conditioned myself to think about the future and well with hind sight that was pretty dumb as the craving was never satiated and I missed out on a heck of a lot of “Now” time.
In the past I had quit smoking for both of my babies, and now this is the first time I have really quit for myself. I know that I am done smoking for life…I’m just not sure if I really like this non-smoker more emotional me. It’s sad but very true that I kind of liked not having to deal with things as I could just go outside turn the other cheek to the drama playing out in the house or at work. I also used the need for a cigarette as the excuse for my negative feelings as my body was going into withdrawal…hmmm it’s been ten months I don’t think my negative feelings are from physical withdrawal anymore. Now it’s all in my head and I can no longer bypass the whole feeling thing like I used to and well quite frankly this is what sucks about being human.
Ironically this is also what is the most beautiful thing about being human as I have rediscovered that life is actually amazingly vibrant! It’s a little too vibrant at the moment though and everything appears to be saturated with energy that fluctuates between two extremes…The contrast is too bold and my perspective is not perfectly symmetrical and balanced like I use to think it was. There is nothing scary really just some black murky shadows that I’ve managed to get stuck in. I’m starting to appreciate this darkness as it is challenging and guiding me to really pay attention to the subtlest forms of energy that are at play in my life. I am proud of myself for continuing to stay conscious enough in my behaviour to not start smoking again. But I’m not too proud of myself as now I’m starting to engage in emotional eating! I guess the pissed off addicted me is trying to negotiate and trade in one addiction for the other…hmmm when will I learn that the cravings are NEVER going to be satisfied?!
I can wish though can’t I…as I dug my fingers into the box of Lucky Charms cereal a couple of days ago and dug past the judgment of myself for being a terrible mother in feeding this crap to my kids. The little girl in me rose to the surface and I thought wow the hour glass charms must be working! (The hour glass charms have the power to control time.) For there she was little me the very quiet chubby cute kid that would eat her cereal in the morning while humming the song the Rainbow Connection. The blonde haired tomboy one minute and the girlie girl the next, the sweet kid that loved Kermit the frog with all her heart, and would revisit scenes from the Muppet Movie over and over in her mind when she longed for lightness and laughter to fill her world. There she was the part of me that instinctually could navigate her way to peace…the sacred part of me that was born deeply knowing the power of imagination. That impeccably audacious little girl that could not be persuaded when she knew the “truth” about something, these traits have served me well in letting go of my addictions and everything that is no longer true for me.
As I sat at my kitchen table sorting through all my Lucky Charms and lining them up in pretty patterns (some things never change.) I caught a glimpse ever so briefly of the old soul in that very young body and how just by being her precious self she created a better world for those she touched. Now through the use of this old soul's vibrantly rich imagination that when filtered through the wisdom of my grown up heart I can still feel that little girl within me. I love her now in this moment as it never occurs to her to doubt that within her heart she has the power to bring things to life! Hmmm, wow that’s actually what the box says too and I can’t argue with General Mills! The heart charms have the power to bring things to life. As I thought about those words I was reading on the box I collided with the little me and knew instantly that, that ordinary morning in 1979 was having an extraordinary effect on my present moment. As an angel from my past came to sit with me lighting up the darkness for a few very sweet magically delicious moments…
Go ahead grab some Lucky Charms and join the two million other people who have visited the past and viewed Kermit on Youtube! You know you want to ;)
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