I read once, that if you have a strong reaction to something someone else it doing, maybe you should consider that YOU should in fact be doing that very 'something'.
One day, I stumbled across a link to a friend's flickr account. I was instantly overcome with jealously. I went back over and over to her page, looking through each photo, wondering to myself how she got so good. I thought about how I had no idea that she was creative. Wondered why I couldn't be doing something like she was, that brought her joy & showcased her skills. How did she have relationships with other creatives, and I didn't?! That envy and slighted feeling I had made me question my strong reaction.
Then I asked myself this question, 'Why are you NOT doing something like this, Lee-Ann?' This is what I came up with;
I didn't think I would be good enough, didn't think I deserved to do something where I might get credit for being skilled, or successful. Who did I think I was aiming for something so high up there? I wasn't smart enough to learn about F-stops and shutter speeds or ISO. I wasn't savy enough to be a business woman. There wasn't enough money for me to begin, or time, for that matter! I have four young children, two of them still not in school full time. It just wouldn't work. Art isn't a way to make a living. I'm the only one who thinks I could be an artist, so stop being crazy.
Or so I thought.
These were the messages I had been hearing my whole life, from MYSELF. Harsh critical words. Immobilizing. The thought that I had nothing to offer anyway, so why bother, ran deep within me.
I am a mom of 4, and am aware that I need a way to support myself and my kids, just in case. It's my job to set a good example! I want to be a symbol of strength for them. But, I couldn't swallow the thought of a job that brought me no joy, where I couldn't be creative and was not the one in charge. This is when I found myself saying over and over that I wanted to be a professional photographer and the Universe rose up and met me! Someone sent me a link to an amazing teacher, I got into the class and suddenly, the money I needed was there. Just voicing my need for a proper camera and suddenly I found myself standing at the counter at the store purchasing my first DSLR. Don't get me wrong, I did a whole lot of work to get from point A to point B, but once I started the forward momentum there was no stopping it.
It all just rose up and met me when my heart's calling finally couldn't be ignored any longer. It got louder than my doubts. And as with most things, one day leads to the next and before I knew it I went from struggling to translate what I wanted to take with my camera into being able to utilize my learned skills into actually producing the shot! It took a tonne of hard work to learn what I needed to, but now I can use my medium, photography, to produce pieces that make me happy, that I hope make others feel joy, too. Don't get me wrong - I have a lot of hard work and learning to go, but I am grateful for what I have already accomplished. I'm proud of ME! (that hasn't ever happened in my life before, but I've never believed in myself, either)
It has been my pleasure to spend time with wonderful people who trust me enough to take a peek into who they truly are with my lens. When I spend time with my clients and friends, my heart and soul are at each and every session and somehow the magic that drove me to move forward with my dream swirls around and I find wonderful beauty in the images we create together! Photography is a relationship, after all. I'm not working alone!
I have no idea if portraiture is where I will stay, but I know this, if I find myself stewing in my position in life, it is up to me to move forward. I have to call out with my heart, and be to open to what comes my way. Oh and I have to be prepared to work my tail off!
Risk is inherent when following your dreams, press on in the face of doubt. It will feel far more rewarding to accomplish something you've worked hard at, then giving up ever will.
One day, I went and pulled out all of my old journals and scrap pieces of paper with lists from the last 15 years or so, photography made an appearance on just about every one! I didn't ever notice this. Clearly I wanted to be a photographer long enough that my soul got tired of waiting around and made it uncomfortable for me to ignore it's calls any longer. So, pay attention! Put in the hard work! Call out with your heart! You never know what will come to you, or where your dreams will take you, where you already want to go!
www.gingersnapsyou.ca
1 comment:
Thanks for this opportunity! I enjoyed stretching my brain - peace.
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